just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
