Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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