i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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