Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
