Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
