I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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