Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
