Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
