genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
