I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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