I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
