Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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