I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
