Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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