do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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