They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
