Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
