ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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