swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
