I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
