just come out here and I will go home with you...
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
