yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
