do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
