Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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