I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
