when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We were destined to go to rehab together
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
