erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
