she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
