Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
