I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So much Jack, so little girl.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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