The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
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I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
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what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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