You made me cry and you don't even care
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
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