Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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