For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Let's paint friendship bongs
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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