Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
