I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
