wanna go halves on a baby?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
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