i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
