His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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