I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
