Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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