farters have to be the big spoon...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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