dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
