It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
