I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
