My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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