We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
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he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
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I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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