I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
