Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
