Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
