I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Pants are for mortals
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
