I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
