Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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