just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
