bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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