I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
