At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
