Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
