I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
This house was built for laser tag.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
