just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
